Uncanny X-Men #503 Review

Uncanny X-Men continues to be an absolutely dreadful read. This just might be the worst Marvel comic book on the market. There is no reason for me to expect anything other than plenty of hackneyed and “trendy” dialogue, zero character work and incredibly insipid plotlines. I am going to hold my nose and go ahead and do this review for Uncanny X-Men #503.

Creative Team
Writers: Matt Fraction & Ed Brubaker
Pencils: Greg Land
Inks: Jay Leisten

Art Rating: 5 Night Girls out of 10
Story Rating: 2 Night Girls out of 10
Overall Rating: 3.5 Night Girls out of 10

Synopsis: We begin with Cannonball at the bar Soma in San Francisco. The bartender cards Sam to wit Sam flashes his I.D. and comments that he is “Free, white and twenty-one.” Oh yeah, I forgot to point out that the bartender is black. (This is so stupid.)

We cut to Sam slinking back to the table with the drinks. Mirage and Karma ask Sam what took him so long. Sam replies that he just got a lecture on racial sensitivity. Sam asks the two girls if they knew that it has only been since the Nation Voting Rights Act of 1965 that African-Americans received the right to vote free from discriminatory practices. (Oh for fuck’s sake. Seriously? The only people who don’t know this stuff are people who failed out of high school. Why am I getting this complete and total waste of a scene to kick off this issue?)

The three then raise their beers and toast to equality and tolerance. (Amen to that because my tolerance of Fraction’s wretched writing is getting severely tested.) Sam then adds that he also learned that some things your grandparents use to say are actually kind of racist. (Okay, move on.)

Mirage toasts to “fitting in” and being a “normal person.” Mirage says that here they are living here in San Francisco out in the open. Mirage says that this is what they spent their lives fighting for. Sam adds that he is surprised that they lived through their childhood.

The three old teammates tick off all the various enemies that they fought over the years. Sam says that he does not care about the “big stuff” anymore. That he just doesn’t want anyone else to die. Sam says he just wants a nice normal life. Karma says that she would also like a nice normal life. Mirage says that the dream was all about having some peace and quiet.

The three all drink to a nice peaceful and quiet life. Suddenly all of their cell phones ring. We finally cut away from that total waste of a scene and snap over to the X-Men in hot pursuit of Empath. Empath’s newly increased powers allow him to easily dispatch of the various X-Men when they try to attack him.

We cut back to the headquarters for the Hellfire Cult where Emma and Scott are “sweeping” the base for anything interesting. This prompts Emma to responds that this would be the first time sweeping has ever taken place at this facility. (Ba-dump dump! But, seriously folks, Matt Fraction will be here all week!)

We shift to Pixie on her scooter thinking how she is going to help the X-Men. Pixie thinks how being an X-Man is not easy. Pixie thinks “That’s cool. I’m strong. I’m dark! I’m Goth as hell! I have a real life soul-dagger! And I know how to use it.” (And I’m going to be sick as hell from this narration.)

Pixie then calls the Beast. She asks Henry where the team is currently located. Pixie pulls out her mobile GPS unit. Beast responds that the team is battling Empath in the Sunset District. Pixie answers that she has their exact location on Irving Street on her GPS.

Beast pleads with Pixie to not get involved. Beast says that he has already called in the reserve team. Pixie responds that she is an X-Man and that her teammates need her help.

We slide back to the Hellfire Cult HQ with Scott wondering why a mutant would run an anti-mutant group. Emma responds telepathically that maybe they did not like another group of mutants moving in and stealing their thunder. Or maybe they just get off on violence and control. Scott answers that the Hellfire Cult did choose a facility for the HQ that used to be an old sex club. (Of course.)

Suddenly Emma appears behind Scott and is wearing a BDSM fetish outfit complete with mask. (Dios mio.) Scott smiles and says that Emma is being wildly inappropriate. Emma responds “Oh please, we are in an S&M Club run by an anti-mutant hate group. If there was every a place worthy of debasement and disrespect…” (You know if I wanted porn, I could go online and download some.)

Scott replies that this is kind of kinky even for Emma. Emma continues “Blame it all on the crazy pheromones in the air and a complete rejection of mutant Thanatos, darling. The cops are busy and the police are busy chasing down the maggot. Even you and I are physically busy. These are just our idle thoughts…and here in the back of your head there’s no one but you…and me…” (Okay, it is obviously the Red Queen since she called Empath “maggot.”)

We mercifully cut away from Fraction’s sex fantasy over to Pixie on her Vespa. Beast calls Pixie and tells her to fall back. That Empath has blasted his way through all of the X-Men. That Empath’s power levels are higher than they have ever seen. Beast orders Pixie to not engage Empath.

Pixie thinks how they broke her wings. They beat her up. That if she runs from them now that she will never stop running. Pixie then drops the cell phone onto the road and keeps driving. (Umm, couldn’t she have just hung up the cell phone?)

We shift to Empath still racing around on his motorcycle. Suddenly, Cannonball busts onto the scene. Empath quickly disposes of Sam. Nightcrawler and Wolverine, in Wolvie’s Mustang, pull up near Empath. Nightcrawler teleports over top of Empath and pulls him off of the motorcycle. Empath then takes down Nightcrawler. Nightcrawler then contacts Wolverine and tells him that Empath uses his power by making eye contact.

Empath stands in the middle of the street and screams at the X-Men. Empath yells that the X-Men think that they are the future. That they are the mutants’ leaders. Empath rants that mutants are doomed and wretched. That it is not their place to integrate with these “apes.” Empath says that mutants are “Armageddon.” That mutants are “Holocaust.” That mutants are the end of man like surely man will be the end of mutants.

We see Wolverine wrap a blindfold around his eyes and get ready to battle Empath. Suddenly, Pixie comes racing onto the scene. Pixie starts punching Empath. Empath then uses his powers and flood Pixie with the memories of her father who died all alone. That Pixie’s dad is in hell. That Pixies’ dad never said goodbye to his freak daughter.

Pixie responds that she has been to Hell. Pixie tells Empath “You would not like it there.” Pixie whips out her soul dagger and takes out Empath. Empath whimpers that he cannot see. Pixie stands over Empath and asks “Who’s next?” (Um, considering that the only people around you are your own teammates then I would imagine the answer would be nobody. Of course, there is no reason for Fraction to let logic get in the way of delivering such fresh and original dialogue like “Who’s next?”)

We zip over to Madripoor where we see Chimera killing twenty-two drug runners. Red Queen appears on the scene. Red Queen says that Chimera is wasting her talents. Red Queen asks Chimera to join her and in return the Red Queen will return to Chimera the life of anyone she wishes or desires who was taken away too soon. Chimera agrees to join up with Red Queen.

We cut to one of Dazzler’s concerts. The narration box tells us “Dazzler. Sonic light transducer. Great abs.” We see Scott and Emma in the crowd. Scott tells Emma that earlier today was pretty amazing. Emma responds that nothing amazing happened. That they missed all the action while searching the dusty old Hellfire Cult HQ.

Scott stammers “No. I meant…I meant the…” Emma asks what Scott he means. Scott gets an uncomfortable look on his face. (Dude, she is a freaking telepath! You cannot lie to her!) Suddenly, we see the Red Queen in the crowd. She then vanishes once again. Emma asks Scott what is going on. Emma asks Scott what did he just see. Scott replies that he just saw his dead ex-wife. Scott says that Madeline Pryor is alive. (Great.) End of issue.

Comments
The Good: Fraction is seriously testing my ability to satisfy The Revolution’s Rule of Positivity with Uncanny X-Men #503. Let’s see, well, we do get a fair amount of mindless action. It is not anything incredible, but it is some pretty solid action. Even though it was painfully predictable, it was only fair that Pixie got the chance to deliver the finishing blow to Empath after she was used as a piñata a couple of issues ago.

The Bad: I am actually at a loss for words. Uncanny X-Men #503 was putrid. This is about as dumb as a comic book can get. I have no idea who Brubaker and Fraction’s target demographic is with this title. I can only imagine that based on the incredibly stupid stories that we have gotten over the past couple of issues that Uncanny X-Men is being geared for hyper-active thirteen year old boys in the mad grips of puberty’s hormonal rush. Maybe I am in denial, but I do not think that when I was thirteen that I would have found garbage like Fraction’s Uncanny X-Men entertaining.

I am not sure how to divide up the blame for the poor writing on this title. It is my understanding that Brubaker is on his way out of Uncanny X-Men and that Fraction will assume sole control. It is also my understanding that Brubaker and Fraction are co-plotting this title and that Fraction is handling the dialogue by himself.

I also have a hard time reconciling Uncanny X-Men with Brubaker’s other titles in Captain America, Daredevil and Criminal. Uncanny X-Men reads absolutely nothing like anything I have read from Brubaker before. On the other hand, Uncanny X-Men most definitely reads like other titles from Fraction that I have read.

The opening scene in this issue was a complete and total panel waster. This was another example of PC obsessed Matt Fraction babbling on trying in an effort to show how hip, cool, trendy and socially conscious he is. In fact, this waste of a scene was mind numbingly boring and failed to contribute anything of import or substance to this issue.

And this is a reoccurring theme with Fraction’s writing on Uncanny X-Men. He routinely inserts one or two scenes that are nothing more than pure time wasters. It appears that these scenes are designed to take up space and waste time due to the fact that Fraction’s story is so thin and weak. These filler scenes are an artificial attempt by Fraction to confuse the reader into believing that there is more substance and depth to the story than there truly is.

Once again, we get a creepy sex scene in this issue. This is another reoccurring theme that Fraction has brought to this title. I have to wonder if it is possible for Fraction to go a single issue without some weird sex scene. These scenes add nothing to the story. I have no problem with sexiness in a comic book. However, Fraction’s sex scenes seem forced and simply an effort to show how “cool” he is rather than organically spinning forth from the story at hand.

Fraction’s dialogue continues to be simply hideous. The reader has to suffer through more of Fraction’s dumb, unoriginal, hackneyed and cheesy dialogue. Pixie’s dialogue was particularly awful. The dialogue during the “sex” scene with Scott and the Red Queen was rather cringe inducing.

All in all, the dialogue is so amateurish. It reminds me of some of the writing I had to read in my entry level creative writing classes during college. It is inexcusable to see writing this unprofessional on a Marvel comic book let alone one of their flagship titles.

Of course, all the characters continue to have the exact same external voice. And that is because Fraction keeps making a rookie writing mistake of projecting his own personality into every single character.

There continues to be a complete paucity of character work on this title. Every member of the X-Men comes across as generic and stiff. The characters are nothing more than automatons that mindlessly progress through their dialogue. There is no chemistry at all between the various characters.

The fact that the characters are nothing more than card board cut-outs prevents the reader from forming any kind of connection with any of the characters. And without any connection the reader feels completely disconnected with the thin story that Fraction is giving us.

The pacing and plotting on Uncanny X-Men #503 is terrible. Brubaker and Fraction have no purpose in mind with this story and are simply meandering about. There are too many useless scenes and it becomes apparent that Brubaker and Fraction are just wasting time for a good portion of the issue. The story itself is shallow and unoriginal. Brubaker and Fraction appear to be making up the story as they go along. The reader gets the impression that Brubaker and Fraction never took the time to flesh out a detailed outline for the next several story arcs. And this poor plotting is highly unusual and uncharacteristic of a Brubaker plotted title.

All Brubaker and Fraction give us in Uncanny X-Men #503 is a mindless chase scene as the X-Men attempt to capture Empath before Pixie gets to predictably take him down. And we also get Scott having “sex” with the Red Queen to lead into the “surprise” ending that Madelyne Pryor is back. That is the issue in a nutshell. For the past couple of issues of Uncanny X-Men I have finished the issues with the feeling that Brubaker and Fraction gave me 1/3 substantive story and 2/3 fluff.

And this leads me to the “surprise” ending that Brubaker and Fraction “treat” the reader with: The apparent return of Madelyne Pryor alive. There are only two characters in the Marvel Universe that I never want to see come back to life again. Jean Grey is one of them. Madelyne Pryor is the other one.

Madelyne Pryor is a continuity nightmare. I barely liked her character when she first appeared in 1983 in Uncanny X-Men #168. And with all that Marvel subsequently did with Madelyne Pryor only served to make her character even more of a mess.

I have absolutely no interest at all in re-hashing Madelyne Pryor’s character. There is nothing about her return that even remotely intrigues me. I would much rather see Fraction actually put forth some effort and work in creating his own unique and original ideas instead of giving us the return of Madelyne Pryor.

Greg Land’s artwork continues to be unappealing. The characters’ facial expressions still look strange. Half of the time the characters are smiling for no apparent reason. Land’s artwork also is incredibly static.

Overall: Uncanny X-Men #503 was a poor read. Seriously, do not waste your money on this title. Just because a comic book is published by Marvel and is a flagship title does not mean that it is well done. There are so many other titles currently on the market, and many of them by independent presses, that are a much more professional and polished product than what Brubaker and Fraction give us on Uncanny X-Men. I would only recommend getting Uncanny X-Men #503 if you are a huge fan of Matt Fraction.