Mutant Memorandum

To: All X-People (teachers, corporation owners, brilliantly disguised phony mutant hunters, or whatever we are by the time I’ve finished writing this memo)

From: Scott Summers

Re: Surviving the Experience

Illyana Rasputin‘s return, which amazingly coincided with the return of Magma, at the same time that Karma and Danielle Moonstar were in the field for like the first time in 20 years, has caused me to reflect on Xavier’s philosophy of the care and education of young mutants. My retrospection turned to sadness when, while unpacking boxes in my new office, I stumbled upon this early photo of the aforementioned mutants together, along with others including the late Douglas Ramsey. If I recall correctly, his mutant ability was learning languages quickly.

In those days, my identity and self-esteem pretty much revolved around my ability to impress Professor X, so questioning his methods never occurred to me. Now that Charles is going through his “Regarding Henry” phase, enjoying the phony experience of having all his past sins washed away by virtue of an amnesia-inducing bullet to the brain, it falls on me to step up and take his place. Now that I’m the man sitting in the big chair, I can’t help but wonder why the Professor thought that recruiting Ramsey was a good idea. We will always respect Charles for standing up for mutant rights, but I believe that his common sense took a back seat to his desire to bring in new kids.

There now, we got all the wheelchair jokes out of the way. Moving on…

We’ve all heard a great deal about how the school was crucial for helping young mutants grow up safe and well-adjusted. I’ll grant you that philosophy holds water for many of our freaky-deaky kids and compatriots. But for a 14-year-old whose power is getting good grades, was it really wise to send him to a school that gets firebombed by Sentinels every Monday, Wednesday and Friday, and sent to the moon by Magneto on Tuesdays and Thursdays?

To be brutally honest, that bald bastard like me holding a big fat bag of crap. We all remember Primus, the kid with the super algebra powers. We never used him in the field, but some genius in the admissions office made him roommates with Pussyface. Even I hate and fear Pussyface. While Professor X is on his little pilgrimage, I’m dealing with the lawsuit for the kids therapy bills. The boy dropped out after six months because of a nervous breakdown. Then there was Geo, who the professor brought with us to the Savage Land, thinking his ability to identify igneous rocks might be critical to our mission. His parents keep calling and I keep screening my voicemail because when they ask where their son is, I do not want to be the one who has to tell them that the answer is “Zabu’s large intestine.”

For years now, we have been denying reports that we are training an army of mutant warriors, rather “providing a healthy teaching environment”. I think we can all agree that being around the X-Men is anything but healthy for these kids. Xavier’s delusional theory that dodging laser-powered cannonballs filled with weaponized plutonium payloads is safer for kids than dodgeball is, in hindsight, completely insane. I think the papers may have been on to something, and that if we keep recruiting kids into our ridiculously dangerous environment, we should be training them as an army so that they don’t die mid-semester. I believe we need to begin this transition immediately, before the No Child Left Dead or in a Hell Dimension Act is ratified.

Also, we’re running out of room in the backyard cemetery.

Sincerely,

Scott Summers

cc: Emma Frost
Groovy Superhero